31 December 2010

Biblical Bear Bloodbath

"We are here today to consider a most grievous case," said the judge, who began to read the case directly from the bible, as god had luckily decided to include it in his Big Bumper Book Of Magic Words:

"2 Kings 2:23-24
From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. “Get out of here, baldy!” they said. “Get out of here, baldy!”
He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys."

"Now we have the bare facts in the case of 42 families vs The Prophet Elisha and his bear henchmen," declared the judge.

"Call the first witness for the defence," he ordered.

"It was awful, a really grizzly scene, bodies splattered all over the road," said eye witness Farmer Giles.

"Does the accused consider the use of bears of mass destruction warranted in this case?" asked the judge.

Elisha was startled, "What? They called me a bald git. Of course it was justified.  I bet you have no hair under that judge's wig.  How would you feel if I made comments about your bare head?"

"My head has no bearing on the matter," snapped the judge.

"Call the next witness for the defence," said the judge

"Your honour, I call forth the families who lost a child on that unbearable day."

"Yes, I can see you all trying to bear up under the strain," noted the judge, "What have you got to say to these poor families, Elisha?"

"Bah! It's all bare-faced lies! I am innocent!" he protested.

"Elisha, you have shown no remorse for your crime. You will be taken from this place and promptly executed with a baseball bat."

"Balls," said Elisha.

"No, just the bat," said the judge.

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