12 January 2011

One damNation Under God

God sits in heaven, with a never-ending bag of popcorn, watching 6 billion monitor screens, each showing the life of a different person.

There can be no privacy from this perpetual voyeur, your eternal stalker.

Some people can be seen playing happily, some are on the toilet, some are running in terror as a tidal wave destroys their life. Still others are dressed in turbans and sporting long dirty beards, jumping up and down on a burning flag and whooping like excitable chimpanzees.

Chillingly, these monitor screens also scan each person's mind to determine if any sinful thoughts occur.

The list of violations flash past, never-ending:

18.43 09/01/11 William Pratt violated command 4 by working on the Sabbath, doing some gardening. Damn his tulips too.

18.44 09/03/11 Doris McFadden violated command 10 by coveting her neighbour's paisely-pattern sofa.


18.45 09/03/11 Peter Pecker violated command 3 by using God's name in vain when he said 'This God character is a bit of dick really.'


Rumour is that God has had to upgrade the memory card in his electronic Book of Judgement, as people are even more awful than he had imagined.

Meanwhile, one screen shows a zealous preacher proclaiming to the public "Good news! Believe in the one true God! Now is your chance! God loves you and offers you eternal heaven!"

God grinned manically, and threw some more coal onto the fire pits of hell.

2 comments:

  1. Yes... what an interesting picture it would be if this God character actually had to do everything people claim that he does. Have you read Mark Twain's "Letters from Earth"? It's along these same lines... Satan goes to earth to report to god how people act. With this line of thinking, I'd think you would enjoy.

    (Looking forward to reading your stuff. Saw your intro. on Deep Thoughts.... AND I adore grumpy people. Cheers.)

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  2. Grumpy Atheist1/20/2011

    Hello Jenny.
    Yes, "Letters from Earth" is brilliant. Writers like Twain & Ingersoll seemed so far ahead of their time. We need their common sense today, where sense is anything but common!

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