7 March 2011

The Ten Punishments

A lot is said about the ten commandments that Moses received on stone blocks from god.  What is not often mentioned is the ludicrous punishments for violating these rules that go hand in hand with them.

(Incidentally, I would've expected god to make use of technology a little more advanced than a chisel and a block of stone.  Receiving them on an iPad would've been far better proof of the divine origin of the words. But no, oddly enough, god used only the primitive techniques available to people in that area at that time....hmmm.)


1.Thou shalt have no other gods
The punishment is to be stoned to death.
Out with the notion of respecting your neighbours beliefs, in with the big rocks.

2. Do not make images of anything in heaven
The punishment is a curse.
So all those crucifixes people wear with men on sticks are violating this rule.
Curiously, it also forbids making images of things under the earth and in the water. So you had better stop painting that picture of a halibut right now.

4. Remember the Holy Sabbath
The punishment is to be stoned to death.
My local McDonalds opens on Sundays so I am compelled to go there with a brick and inflict some holy justice on those heathen burger-friers.

5. Honour your parents
Seems a nice rule. But wait, what's the punishment?
Yes, you guessed it, death. Yey!

6. Do not murder
Does anyone seriously need to be told not to kill people?
What kind of psychopathic retards actually need this spelling out.
How the hell would they have even got that 'far' if they had thought it was fine.
Did the masses, on hearing this gem of wisdom, all suddenly stop their daily drunken murderous rampages and ask "What?! This is bad now?"
The penalty is death, obviously.

7. Do not commit adultery
Are the guilty couple to be imprisoned or shamed?
No! Death, death and more death!

8. Do not steal
Perfectly good and sensible advice. But what's this? The punishment is...is....drum roll.....death.
No messing about. You took that bread to feed your starving family, now you must die.
I admit to stealing my unused napkin from a restaurant yesterday. Perhaps I should now commit suicide by repeatedly bashing my head on the pavement.

9. Do not bear false witness against your neighbour
Punishment by death. Saw that coming.

10. Do not covet
Thought crime. You can't even think bad thoughts. How did those birdbrains know if someone was breaking this rule?
"Excuse me Jacob, are you coveting my ox?"
"No, absolutely not. I was just thinking it's lunchtime soon. I was thinking about a juicy steak. Err, no, not steak...I mean soup, oxtail soup, err, no no no, I mean tomato soup!"
"That's ok then."

Do I even need to write the punishment?


But surely there should be more? Where are things like 'Thou shall not commit incest, rape or support slavery.' No, they are all fine, thanks.

So, there we have it.  How to live your life according to the views of a load of backward goat herders from the ancient middle east.

As a side-note to any Christians saying 'These punishments don't count anymore because it was all in the old testament', stop kidding yourself, because the new testament says the old rules are still to be obeyed.
As to why your god is such a bumbler he has to change the rules at half-time is another matter.
The point is, either way, your alleged god wrote these rules, so what kind of psychotic does that make him? At best, a psychotic with amnesia.

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